What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 15:54
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What does it mean to live "the 'underconsumption' life"?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He resisted the act ,that day.
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And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
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Especially a lifetime of it.
He knew the spot.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
She loved him until the end.
Why did i forgive my father ?
What are some good inspirational movies?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was scared of men, in general
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why is the show The Big Bang Theory so hated?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
How do you handle your mother-in-law after you heard her talking badly about you in the next room?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What melts your heart every time without fail?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was in good health!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why do Indian parents force their kids to do stuff?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But it wasn’t much.
One cannot live in the past .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She wouldn,t have been !
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I will be 64.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
Comes on , in middle age.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Who then, do I blame.?
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I think the readers, may guess!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
She married twice! .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I don,t even have a pension.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
My family never makes their pension either.
Im still living with it.
Would this be the day?
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We were not on the streets..
But ive been too sick for many years..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I write beautiful poetry .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Put me off passion for life!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I said to her
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!